Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.? Jackie Mason
To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.? Anonymous
Love with old men is as the sun upon the snow, it dazzles more than it warms.? J. P. Senn
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.? Chris Rock
I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?? Jean Illsley Clarke
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers.? Richard Pryor
A guy knows he�s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.? Tim Allen
My brother is gay and my parents don�t care, as long as he marries a doctor.? Elayne Boosler
When you�re in love, it�s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.? Richard Lewis
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don�t really know me.? Garry Shandling
Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other�s minimum daily requirements.? Kathy Mohnke
Love doesn�t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.? Franklin P. Jones
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.? Bill Maher
My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.? Ray Romano
Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn�t show up on X-rays, but you know it�s there.? George Burns
Marriage has no guarantees. If that�s what you�re looking for, go live with a car battery.? Erma Bombeck
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.? Professor Irwin Corey
A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.? Anonymous
My wife was afraid of the dark� then she saw me naked and now she�s afraid of the light.? Rodney Dangerfield
What�s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.? Cindy Garner
Love is the answer, but while you�re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.? Woody Allen
If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools.? Katherine Mansfield
Women hope men will change after marriage, but they don�t; men hope women won�t change, but they do.? Bettina Arndt
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.? Erich Segal
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.? Joan Crawford
I love being married. It�s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.? Rita Rudner
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you�ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you�ll become a philosopher.? Socrates
Romantic love is mental illness. But it�s a pleasurable one.? Fran Lebowitz
I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.? Russell Brand
Gravitation can�t be held responsible for people falling in love.? Albert Einstein
If you can stay in love for more than two years, you�re on something.? Fran Lebowitz
If you can stay in love for more than two years, you�re on something.? Fran Lebowitz
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you�re in.? Richard Jeni
In love, somehow, a man�s heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place.? Rowland
Breathes there a man with soul so dead, who never to his wife hath said, �Breakfast be damned, come back to bed.�? Anonymous
Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you�d be surprise at the large number that re-enlist.? James Garner
An arhaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.? Agatha Christie
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you�re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone�s feelings.? David Sedaris
There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach.? Barbara Hower
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.? Will Ferrell
If you text �I love you� to a person and the person writes back an emoji � no matter what that emoji is, they don�t love you back.? Chelsea Peretti
When a couple of young people strongly devoted to each other commence to eat onions, it is safe to pronounce them engaged.? James Montgomery Bailey
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.? Judith Viorst
Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry out the trash.? Joyce Brothers
Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.? Chelsea Handler
If you love �em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love �em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you�re in love.? Miles Davis
My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.? Jack Benny
Marrying a man is like buying something you�ve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn�t always go with everything else.? Jean Kerr
Romance is the icing, but love is the cake.? Anonymous
Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass.? English Proverb
Love is the same as like except you feel sexier.? Judith Viorst
A kiss is a rosy dot over the �I� of loving.? Cerano de Bergerac
I wasn�t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth!? Chico Marx
My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine�s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside � Made in Taiwan!? Leopold Fetchner
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I was talking about your salary, when I said it�s impossible to buy my love.
You should tell your lover that you love him every day, since you never know when you�ll discover somebody better.
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