When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did�in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.? BOB MONKHOUSE
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.? ELAYNE BOOSLER
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won�t expect it back.? OSCAR WILDE
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.? MARK RUSSELL
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.? ROBERT BLOCH
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.? STEVE MARTIN
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.? LANA TURNER
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell �BINGO!�? ANONYMOUS
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I�ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.? DAVE BARRY
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.? ANONYMOUS
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.? MILES KINGTON
Why do people say �no offense� right before they�re about to offend you?? ANONYMOUS
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.? DOUGLAS ADAMS
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you�ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you�ll become a philosopher.? SOCRATES
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn�t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.? EMO PHILIPS
The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.? ANONYMOUS
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.? GREG KING
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.? AL MCGUIRE
Going to church doesn�t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.? BILLY SUNDAY
Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.? ANONYMOUS
A bargain is something you don�t need at a price you can�t resist.? FRANKLIN JONES
If at first you don�t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.? HENNY YOUNGMAN
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.? DAVE BARRY
If you steal from one author, it�s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it�s research.? WILSON MIZNER
If you think nobody cares if you�re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.? FLIP WILSON
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?? ANONYMOUS
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.? JACK NICHOLSON
God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.? ETHEL MUMFORD
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, �At my age, I don�t even buy green bananas.�? CLAUDE PEPPER
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.? OSCAR WILDE
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.? BILL MCGLASHEN
I couldn�t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.? STEVEN WRIGHT
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.? ANONYMOUS
Here is a list of the top 10 Funny Quotes:
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.? Elbert Hubbard
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.? Reba McEntire
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.? Abraham Lincoln
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.? Winston Churchill
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.? Jim Carrey
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.? Margaret Mead
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.? Henny Youngman
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.? Chris Rock
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.? Isaac Asimov
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.? Steve Martin
Hope you enjoyed these awesome funny quotes. Please Don�t forget to share quotes about funny to your Friends and family member. and you might want to check out our list of quotes about loyalty as well.
